Friday Feels — April 5/24

I wonder if the people who sit beside me on the GO train every morning and afternoon know that I’m pretending to be a grown-up. I am trying so very hard with no idea of what achieving this even is. What it will feel like to finally “make it” and if that is even something that can happen.

But still, I sit with my spindly legs all criss-crossed in the quadrant and they stare at me across the seats. Them in their suits, with their thick wool peacoats, talking in loud business voices into their phones, even during quiet hours. While I sit and read my sports romance books on the lowest brightness my Kindle offers, already prepared with the title of a sharp memoir I’ve read in case one of them were to ask.

I wonder if they look at me with my beat-up sneakers and tote bag over my shoulder that holds my lunch in a Lululemon shopping bag. Thinking… that girl carries a bag within a bag… What they don’t know is that I have other bags in the bag, that keep my tampons and my deodorant and my house key on a keychain from Sweden from rolling around at the bottom of my big bag. That my life is just a system of taking things out of this bag and making sure they get packed back in their correct mini bag before the next day starts.

When I cross my legs, the dress pants I bought for this new office job ride up and you can see my Nike ankle socks peek out. The socks that I got when running became my “thing” on the West Coast, though I’m still not sure if I am someone who has “things” about them. They don’t know that I’ve traded in runs…